Craziness

So, I got toooooonnnnnsssss of sleep last night. It's quite ridiculous actually. But my body definitely needed it so I'm really not complaining.

What I am saying is that with lots of sleep comes lots of dreams. And it seems fitting that I would dream about being an abused wife when the last thing I heard was "Love the Way You Lie" by Eminem featuring Rihanna and the last thing I watched was Enough. So, yeah, there's that.

I also just realized that I had the office hours of my potential renters messed up. They are open until 7pm on Monday and Wednesday. I could still make it there today, but they probably will view me the way I view people who enter a restaurant with the words "Are you open?". I mean, seriously, have some empathy for the working man.

So, I will go tomorrow. I'm still torn up inside about it. It's the ultimate signal to Nat, ya know? A one bedroom apartment clearly states that I don't intend to have anyone living with me at anytime. Therefore, she is not welcome to "stay for Christmas". I know that I'm allowed to be selfish. I know that it's time for me to take care of myself first for a change. And I believe that I should get accustomed to this level of selfishness because when I make the other changes in my life I will have to put me and mine first. That doesn't make it hurt any less though. Especially, when I can see her longing for me to offer her a chance at redemption. A brief escape from the real world. I could but I don't want to so I'm not going to.

I know I shouldn't judge her; that I have no right to, but it is happening. I listen to her talk about where she will and will not live. About how places are too small. My assumption is that she wants more than she can afford, more than she deserves, and much more than she needs. I tried living under her expectations before and I won't do it again. My new goal is to live below my means not at them. I don't want to be able to pay my bills every month and then have some left over for fun. I want real, substantial amounts of savings that will allow me to buy a house, repair my car, have a baby, plan a vacation, anything!

No one knows the pain I feel everyday that I am away from my grandmother. I wish I could hop on a plane, jump in the car, or even hitch hike to go see her. But the time away from my job is not something that I can afford. She's doing much better now but I couldn't be by her side when she was dying and that hurts more than anything else that I've ever felt.

I won't live that way anymore. And as much as I love Nat, she's too undependable. If I were to live with her again, the entire burden would be on me to make sure that everything was right and then I would (hopefully) collect her check for her share of the expenses. I'm above that now, on higher ground, on a different plane and she's not acting like someone who's prepared to go with me.