Saturday, April 3, 2010

For the Love of Men

I learned something yesterday: There's nothing worst than a nail pulled to the quick.

You see, I was a nail biter when I was young. It's a gross habit for sure, but I didn't stop until my first really serious boyfriend told me that he wouldn't kiss me because I always stuck my dirty fingers in my mouth. He did in one second what my mother'd been trying to do for 17 years.

Even though my oral hygiene greatly improved, my need for an anxiety outlet increased ten-fold. So, I began to pick my nails and pull them. (I used to file them until the constant rubbing caused cuts under my nails.) Over the years, I've gotten really good at pulling them to just the right length, but today, I got so riled up over something stupid a middle manager said that I pulled it down to the quick which only added kindling to the fire.

I was angry enough to punch a kitten.

After I settled down, I realized that I didn't have to get angry because I never should have agreed to the stupid things he said anyway. I did the right thing and told my boss and we'll just let him handle it.

But in the mean time, I started thinking about all of the crazy shit I've done for/because of/at the suggestion of men. Don't shake your head at me. You know you've got a list...

  1. Practiced kissing on my hand. My 1st step-father told me to do this and it was aaaaaalllllllll good until my little sister caught me and cried because she thought I was in love with myself and that I was going to go to hell. But now I get compliments on my kissing all the time, so, you know, win-lose-win.
  2. Took out my tongue ring. This was when I was dating The African. He said it embarrassed him because all his friends thought I gave BJs... which I did... for him... and he never seemed to complain... and didn't stop wanting them after I took it out... asshole.
  3. Started wearing makeup. At the insistance of my first high school love. I looked like a raccoon all of 10th grade. A raccoon with hot legs in a cheerleading uniform. Sessaaaay!!!
  4. Bit off more than I could chew... figuratively. This was an unfortunate incident involving garlic parmesan wings, an overzealous boyfriend and regurgitated chicken in his lap. Yup.
  5. Gave him "my share" of the money for "our first apartment". Again, my first real boyfriend. He was all grown up and in his twenties and scammed me out of $200 whole dollars. I didn't cry and I didn't tell anyone in my family. I loved him too much to want him dead.
  6. Got a guinea pig. One of the guys at work had a kid whose guinea pig just happened to be preggo. I got all the necessary piggy crap for free so I said to myself, "Why not? How hard can it be?". Well he makes my house smell and he's a shit kicking little sommabeach! That's how hard it is! *ahem*
  7. Bought a car. You should have seen this salesman. He was all cute and flirty and single and not mentioning his 5 kids until AFTER I signed away the next 4 years of my life. Bastard.
  8. Got nicks on my vijay. I am an advocate of waxing but he thought it would be sexy to shave me. But his hands weren't steady, I was super nervous and ended up bleeding.

There's more I assure you, but I think that before I divulge you and I should go to dinner first. Or you could at least send me a gift certificate to somewhere. Just not Applebee's. I hate that place.

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