Sunday, March 14, 2010


Hello Bloggies!

I know I didn't post for you over the weekend and that's because this weekend has been filled with family and with my family you know that will bring TONS of WTF stories.

I'll start from the beginning. I could start from the end but that would involve telling you that the last thing I heard my brother say was "You need to get internet access". And that's just not funny enough to start with. So Friday, my dad showed up with just 30 minutes left in the work week. It was period. It was really great and even though I've told everyone that my dad is a 6 foot 4 black man, they were all surprised to actually see a 6 foot 4 black man. My boss even made a joke about being careful of the fork lift drivers because they like to pimp lean when they drive. ehhhh... He just proved himself to be the tool I've been declaring him to be. Bravo Boss, bravo.

Found out that Ethan will be here on Wednesday which is still cause for celebration. I don't want to say that those damned Jap cops waited until he bought his plane ticket to file the police report from the car accident in the fall. But that is what happened and I've already said it.

Anyhow, Saturday started with a big pancake breakfast at Scrambler Marie's. For my dad. All I had was eggs and toast. He had pancakes, a country skillet, toast, juice and heartburn. Hahahahha!!! And I laugh only because I said "Are you sure you're going to eat all that?" and he assured me that he would. He didn't and therefore had to buy breakfast. One for J-Bird. We had some time to kill before seeing more family and that meant... Mall Time, Bitches!! Yes, I dragged him to Easton so that I could try on jeans. (Very Important Side Note: I now wear a 34. Holla!!)

After he refused to buy me new jeans or shoes, I bought myself these shoes. Are you jealous? Good because they are fucking fab-u-lous!
We then went to Aunt Freddie's house. She doesn't like me. It's not a secret. I don't care because she's not my family. Unless you ask Daddy. Because everything changed when she saw him behind me. Apparently, they wish he would remarry my ex-stepmom, D. There seems to be a general feeling that they care for my dad more than they care for her. It's funny and sad all at the same time.
But that's when daddy took me to a KMart. On. The. East Side. The East Side! Where guns are ubiquitous and teeth are gold plated. I wanted to cry but I was too afraid to show fear. Instead I bought a hair conditioner and body lotion and got ma'amed by the punk at the register.
All that was just filler so that I could tell you about today. You see, today was the day that my mother now refers to as "Mom's Lovers Reunion". I told dad to go without me to see D's family. I've never met them and don't feel a need to have them around. But he wouldn't listen. Instead he said he wanted to do what I was doing. And what I was doing was mundane. I was just going to buy groceries with my mom and Nat like we always do. (And mom totally fought me on this job thing but you can see the difference in her already. The freedom that comes with not having to worry about money is staggering).
Anyway, I was told to give mom a 12 hr notice for when dad was coming over to clean and such. I gave her about 45 minutes and then she wasn't even home to get the message. So when we got there, her husband was there and I ignored him like I always do and she attacked me with a dust mop. You know. Standard family stuff. Dressed for church, she went to change and no sooner was she gone then dad said, "Damn your mom looks good in that dress". Whhhhhaaaaauuuuutttt!!!
I went upstairs to her room and to clear out my mind's eye. No sooner do I get up there then she says, "Gosh, your dad looks good". What the hell! What is going on here!?! What did I miss? How is it that two people who were together for years, never had a fight, and didn't stay together for the child they produced can see each other for the first time in FOURTEEN YEARS and think "I'd hit that"?
I managed to not throw up (personal pat on the back) and we went to the grocery store. But it wasn't the normal trip. Like, he helped mom out tons. He pushed carts. Guarded purses. Bagged items in the little veggie bags and it was... fun?... enjoyable?... family. I felt, for the first time in years, that I was part of a normal, functional family. Nat felt it too. But the crazy part is that we are not a normal, functional family. We are two half sisters, a married woman and a divorcee'. It was just creepy. And then Nat wondered out loud if mom ever looked at her life and where it is now and wished that she had just married my dad, her best friend. She joked that she wouldn't be around if they had. I assured her that she would, we'd just look more alike.
When all the shopping was done and groceries loaded in the car, we went back to Mom's to do the split. That's when April and Becca's dad showed up to bring them back from their weekend. And then her current husband showed up. And suddenly, 3 of the 4 men she'd been married to were standing in her driveway, talking to each other and shooting the shit. I'm sure the only reason that Nat's dad didn't show is because he's dead.
So I'm home now. Wondering how in the hell I'm going to feed three men all over 6 foot 3 for the next week. I don't roll like that. I'm a baller when it's just me. I'm not a baller when it takes a dozen freaking eggs to make one meal.
Dear Baby Jesus,
What the hell am I supposed to do now?

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