Fitness Friday!

Right here, right now, I was going to start a new theme day. One unique to this blog. It was going to be called "Fitness Friday". And I was going to do it every Friday with the help of this trainer

and his blog. I was so excited to bring it to you because he is the Owner and Operator of his own gym, Mind Over Matter Fitness, LLC. It was supposed to start today because I am all about starting at the beginning and the 1st is tomorrow and so in my mind it makes sense.

But I am sad to announce to you that said trainer

has not yet had the ability to begin posting on his own blog yet. This, unfortunately, means that we will be delayed. But keep the faith, Bloggies, I will be bringing you fitness tips as soon as I can. And I hope that they will inspire you to get in shape/stay in shape/find your fit!

Remember, that its all about

Thankful Thursdays

I've been spending a lot of time lately reconnecting with the people in my life and I tell you what, it couldn't be any better. I love how some things never change like good friends, great food, and hearty laughs over bottles of Pellegrino.

So today, I'm thankful for:

• trust - some people don't know how important it is but its a great feeling to know that someone feels comfortable putting their trust in you


• second chances - we all want them, we all need them, we don't all get them


• people not like me - I can't even think of what that would be like


• snuggling - it's right up there with chocolate


• unconditional love


• Prom season - it makes me want to buy a dress just to go to dinner

What are you thankful for?

The Sins of The Father...

Once upon a time, I was sitting at my computer logged onto MySpace. I wasn't looking to do anything except for update my status. I was getting dressed to go out that night. It was a house party if I remember correctly and I'd just bought this yellow top and it was gonna be ON!



*ahem*



So, I was sitting at my computer and I got this message that was like, "J-Bird, baby. You need to call me like ASAP". I didn't know this person. I'd only ever met him once. The only reason I even remembered him is because of his name -- it's very non-traditional. Naturally, I thought something must be wrong and I wanted to fix it. So I called and he said everything was ok and asked if I wanted to talk and get something to eat.



I had already eaten but told him that another day would be better and we made plans. Now, I had to go and pick him up because he had no vehicle and he still lived at home. It's weird because looking back on it he was in blatant violation of 2 of my 3 rules. * Little did I know that he would violate all three.



But I go and pick him up and he wants to go to Applebee's. Ick! I'm not a fan of that place. But I went because like my father, I can find something on the menu anywhere I go. There really are only a handful of things I won't eat like insects, snakes, brains, feet, entrails, you know, logical stuff. But we go to dinner and I've got my hair up and he's wearing a ball cap and we are eating and talking and I want to know why he stood my sister up for Homecoming and then the check comes and there's only one and he takes it and it dawns on me that this is a date. Heh.



That's how I ended up dating The Scorpio three years ago.



That relationship was... taxing. I drove him around everywhere and he never paid for gas. The one time I forced it on him he did it begrudgingly and acted as if it were my civic duty to cart him 30 minutes in and out of town. He laughed so loud at jokes that I would miss the next one. He asked me to co-sign on a car loan once. I laughed so hard it hurt his feelings. But that's when I decided that I would never accept an on-line proposition again.



Enter The Cub. That's what we're gonna call him because the sweet little dear isn't even old enough to buy me a drink. He can't even get in unless it's teen night. Awwwww... I know, right? Now, I talk a good game but honestly, I'm not inspired to be absolutely mean to people unless they rub me the wrong way. And this one is trying so hard to rub me the right way that it's just too precious to resist.



He wants to "kno" me. Without the "w". Isn't it just the sweetest? Don't you just wanna sit down and get him hooked on phonics? 'Cause I do. I just want to have him meet me in the library and sit and teach him Etymology. I was a regional spelling bee champ, I owe it to the world to share my gift. Because all he is to me is an underaged, illiterate, faux 'gangsta' in need of guidance and a dictionary. I would text him that but I've got thumb cramps right now.


* 1. Thou must have thine own place.
2. Thou must have thine own transportation.
3. Thou must have gainful employment.

Not Another Theme Day

I see that Random Thoughts Tuesday is all the rage. I am not a follower and I don't think I can handle another theme day; one is exhausting so I will post for you "What's on J-Bird's Mind: A Frightening Look Into Her Inner Sanctum". You're welcome.

Why are boys/men so stupid? Here I am, freaking out because I'm over 25 and this is the age that I promised myself that I would settle the eff down and focus on having a family and they have the audacity to question my ability to commit or to say crazy shit like "It's not a question of if I want to, but rather, should I". I almost hit his face with my fist.

Family secrets hurt. I have one that I kept for almost 11 years. I told Nat on Sunday and you know what? It didn't make me feel any better. It's been so long that I've held this secret that that part of me is dead now so it's almost like it didn't make a difference. At least not to me. To her it meant everything.

CBS111 can go to hell for the song she just put in my head.

Lying and cheating are unacceptable. Even if you're my father. So when you say that you're with your girlfriend and you're not leaving her, then you say you went on two dates but its' not cheating I become confused. I don't care if she's doing two more tours before she comes home. Cheating is cheating. So don't give me this crap about how the two of you broke up before she left because I don't believe that either. Liar face.

My mom is on Facebook and even though she could write the app that the entire system runs on she can't figure out how to accept your friendship.

Grammy calls Facebook "Faceplace" as in, "J-Bird! Did you know that you're on Faceplace?".

I've started to use clinical strength deodorant. I'm only posting this so that the rest of you chronic sweaters will realize that there is no shame in accepting help. My pits have been so dry that at first, I thought I had a hormone problem. It's nice to feel normal for a change.

I made the Scorpio a cake and sent it home with him. Now, I want my plate back.

Someone called me today and they were having sushi for lunch. I actually cried because 1. I don't trust sushi in this state. Where could they be getting the seafood from as we don't have any bodies of water. 2. I'm at least 20 minutes from a good sushi bar. 3. The thought of Kroger sushi makes me mentally throw up.

Jealousy is not a good color on me.

I had a dream about what my baby would look like. And I called her Frankie. I miss her even though she's not here yet.

I'm back in the candle business because people want to buy from me and I believe that you should give the people what they want.

I almost had sex on Friday. I say almost because I totally freaked out at the thought of having sex with someone. It's been awhile by choice and I didn't want to ruin my "No sex without monogamy" streak over some piercing green eyes. It's pretty bad when you grab your top and say, "No! I can't do this"

Him: *chuckle* Ok.

Me: I'm serious.

Him: Why?

Me: It's been months.

Him: *chuckle*

Me: *blink*

Him: Well, it's like riding a bike. I'll show you.

Me: I want monogamy. I want to be in a relationship with the person I'm intimate with.

Him: *gets off of me*

It just occured to me that Mother's Day is in less than two weeks and all I could say in response to that was, "Ain't that about a bitch!".

Dear Head and Heart,

It would be great if the two of you would stop acting like bitches and just get along. Do you have any idea how taxing it is that I've got one of you pulling me this way and the other pulling that way?

People say I should listen to you, dear heart, but I tried that once and got screwed royally over some skanky bitch that wears green eyeshadow. You are still not forgiven. And head *snicker*, you are just way too ready to flee. So, which one of you should I trust, huh?

Yeah. I don't know either.

Dear Scorpio,

You and me, together, is quite possibly a bad idea. Actually, I polled people and it is, in fact, a bad idea. For who we were 3 years ago. But for who we are today? Well, let's review. I've grown to be incredibly paranoid but also much more comfortable with myself and who I am. You? Well, I notice that you've made some very positive changes.

You've gone from being a boy with no focus and goo-gobs of potential to being a man with his own business and target goals. You also have that rock hard body (which is super sexy to look at but a bitch to snuggle up against) and God knows that's a MEGA plus. And it's been 24 hours since you held me last but I can still feel you on my skin. You've also become extremely punctual which I love because it shows that you are taking other people into consideration. I love these things.

But we're so dangerously different. You are calm where I am manic. You are patient where I jump in. You are measured where I am overflowing. You operate with purpose while I insist on going with the tide. You see reason when all I can see are emotions. I can't figure out why you would be drawn to me, or vice versa for that matter. Well, at least you think my quips are funny.

What I do know is that you are on my mind constantly. And it is due, in part, to the fact that you are becoming a fixture in my life again. And as much as I would like to allow myself to free fall into your piercing gaze, I can't be sure that you would catch me. The feelings I had for you once are still there, lying dormant under layers of hurt and disappointment. I can't let you bring those to the surface unless you can promise to take care of them.

I've always been open with you and you've always known where I stand. I sometimes wish that I could get the same from you. I wish that it wasn't so hard to get inside your head. When I think of how hard it really will be to have a mature, adult relationship with you and I think about how much I'm going to have to change (albeit, for the better), I still want to try with you. I can only hope that is enough because trying's all I've got.

I can't tell you what we should do but we both know what we want to do. Maybe you could try jumping in with both feet. You might actually like it.

Righteous!

I am definitely trying to make the most of the last few weekends I have here in the Friendliest state in the Union. This weekend was packed as tight as the one before it and next weekend promises to be just as exciting.

It started on Friday, where I almost missed my own dinner because I got sidetracked by the thought of brats on a grill. It was only when I walked through my own threshhold that it dawned on me that I had people coming over to my own house for dinner. At my invitation. And I have a planner now. WTF?

But dinner turned out to be tons o' fun. I got to reconnect with some friends and gossip like we were in a hair salon. They headed out to the concert and I gave sad face but I needed to clean before The Scorpio came to pick up his cake. Believe it or not he was right on time. Like exactly. This even deserves a post all its own so I'll leave you in suspense.

Saturday was the Spring Game. It's my first taste of football since the Super Bowl and I was amped to go. I went with an old friend of mine and we talked about him and how he's been since we lost touch. Then, after the game, we hit up the mall for some ice cream and then after that I treated him to dinner. I mean, who wants to live in a world where someone doesn't know the deliciousness that is Carrabba's?

He was so nervous because he doesn't get treated often (I would hate to be a guy if it meant I always had to pay) but it was nice just to have company and someone to talk to. I loved watching him enjoy himself. I'm a giver that way. Plus, it's Prom Season. And there's nothing cuter than teenagers dressed in their glittery finest acting all grown up and such. It made me saw, "Awwwwww." out loud it was that cute.

It really was the perfect end to an already stellar day. I went home and took care of the animals. They were just excited to see me. And then I packed a bag and stayed at Mom's. She's never seen Twilight or New Moon. Nat and I are not fans of the series so we had decided to have a snark off. My favorite quote of the night, "Why doesn't someone just smack her already and move on?" -- Mom.

We went to dinner at Quaker Steak & Lube. Mom's husband was his usual rude self and we had two checks. One with him, April & Becca and then me, Mom and Nat. I don't want to say that it's because he hadn't intended for me and Nat to come. But it is because he thought that they were just going to leave without saying goodbye and then when we realized we weren't invited gave puzzled looks so Mom extended the invitation. Nice, huh?

I talked to the Scorpio some more on Sunday and we both want to try again but question whether we should we try again. I poured out my heart and made myself completely vulnerable. He told me it was sweet. I looked on in disdain. He explained it as being flattered that someone cares about him. I equate that to saying I love you and receiving a Thanks. You know?

I ended the night with a gyro, three shots of whiskey and a beer. Good times indeed.

*EXAGGERATED SUPER GASP!!*

OHMIGAWD!OHMIGAWD!OHMIGAWD!OHMIGAWD!

There is a celebrity in our midst.

No, it's not Kirk Herbstreit. Especially since I'm not the one that saw him, someone else did. And she didn't do what I would have done which is point and whisperyell, "Ohmigawd! Is that Kirk Herbstreit?" 'Cause that's how I roll.

But we have a Celebrity Blogger hanging out here on Losing It trying to masquerade as a ho-hum-its-just-me-so-don't-look-or-expect-witty-humor blogger. At first, I thought I was seeing things and just being painfully optimistic. Then I thought it was the cold meds because, let's face it, I've been sick a lot these last four months. But then, when someone else saw it and full-on recognized her... well, let's just say I wet my pants. Literally, of course.

It's Sarah P of Naked Cupcakes fame. What? You don't know Naked Cupcakes? You crazy!!

This woman created a holiday around her children's thievery of partially completed baked goods. She survived the OB-GYN appointment that would make the rest of us give birth in another county. She had made running a religion. This woman has told the Pope to "Take it off!!" Wooooot!!! And that's only since I started reading.

For you to not know Sarah P is like a seven-year-old not knowing Santa Claus. It's wrong. It's un-American. And it damn sure ain't allowed over here at Losing It!

Oh, yeah. Here's the proof:

OHGOODYGOODYGUMDROPS aka My 1st Hallucination


IT'S REALLY REAL aka Say Whaaaaaat! She thinks I'm cool enough to comment on my page *tear*

Big thanks to Sarah P for coming and stopping by on the regular. I love having you here and if you ever want to guest post just say the word (it's "word") and we'll make it happen.

Do It For The Children - A Different Kind of Thankful Thursday

Today is Thursday but it is also Earth Day (whoot!) and so I'm gonna shake it up a bit. Are you ready? Here it goes...

• warm spring breezes
• cartwheels done in the grass
• sun-kissed skin
• the way my toes feel in the sand
• the sound of birds singing in the morning
• children playing outside
• leaves on trees
• swimming in the ocean

It's time for us to take bigger steps towards sustainability. Most of my favorite things will go away if we don't take care of Mother Earth. Can you imagine a world where you'd have to take your child to the zoo to see a squirrel or a raccoon? No? Well, it could happen.

A quick and easy way to help the cause is to click here. It will take you to a page where all you have to do is click. One click and they will plant a tree in your honor. Now, how's that for easy?

(Pictures courtesy of www.noaa.gov - National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration)

Feeling Curmudgeonly

Lately, I’ve been a first-class bitch to my exes.

Examples:

GED posted on Facebook that he wants someone to buy him a Nintendo Wii for his birthday. Now, we are not together anymore but when we were I bought him a game console for his birthday because it would change life as he knew it. (Him: “Please! Baby, please! I really want this thing. It’s gonna be so tight! And think of the money we’ll save because it has a Blu Ray player in it. It’s like getting Blu Ray for free!”). So to his new post I said “I already bought you a game console. That’s a lifetime limit right there”. He called to say that he didn’t mean me personally but you know what? The point still stands. How many game consoles does one absentee father need? Ok. I’m just being mean now.

The African wants to know what I’m up to this weekend. I told him that I’m going out with my boyfriend for his birthday. Then he offered to come and take care of me while I fight this cold. I respectfully declined. He asked if I remember how nice he was. I told him I remembered instances over the course of our relationship where he was cordial, yes. But he kept pushing about seeing me and honestly, I lost it. I totally verbally plagiarized my Bestie and said, “I remember that it took my face a few weeks to heal and it took my pride a lot longer”. He said he had to go.

And then to my ex, the Scorpio, the words were softer in nature but still blatantly honest.
· Of course we won’t work out. Do you know that we have the same signs as Ike and Tina Turner?
· If this were Fatal Attraction, you would be Michael Douglas, I would be the devoted wife, your phone is Glenn Close, and the rabbit is our love.
· How can you not get it? YOU KILLED OUR LOVE WITH YOUR PHONE!
· Yeah, I remember that. *grade school giggle*
· That was a really good night.
· No, the memories are good enough.
· I’m not telling you where I live.
· Because there would be no witnesses.
· Stop trying to entice me.
· Really? Would you mind being a reference for me?
· Or like write a letter or something?
· Most guys wouldn’t believe that I can do that.
· Why are you upset? We’re not together now.
· *curmudgeonly cough* So sexy. I think you can come over now and get some of this.
· Fine. I see how it is. I’m gonna cough in your cake.
· What! There’s no way I’m paying that.
· You’re worth, like, a fourth an ice cream cake.
· Well, that’s just to me. Maybe you should do a poll or something.

I don't know what else to put here so I'll just tell you that I'm sick and I've got chills right now. I blame my mom.

Party Foul!

Three times a year our entire salesforce is taken out of the field and forced to sit for 3 days. This sucks.

Now, you that person that's loud, boisterous, has tons of great and unbelievable stories, and is always the life of the party? That person is probably in sales. So imagine a party with 30 of those people in a room with free liquor. Awwwwwwwwwwwww Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah!

Our group is legendary. We once ran up a $500 bar tab. We manage to get crazy drunk, sleep with each other, and still break super sonic sales barriers every ear. In short, we 'da shit.

But lately, we've been getting frown face for doing what we do best - drinking.

Our company didn't think it was enough to give us the two drink speech (which they did). Instead, they told the restaurant (and not us) that only the first drink would be on the company tab.

When the server delivered this news, we thought she was huffing barbeque fumes. But she was serious. That's fine. We rebelled. If I have to pay then eff two drinks! Most of us went for three - the brave ones had four and five.

Dinner came and went. Desserts of Strawberry Shortcake and Chocolate Dreams flowed before us. We were transported to the magic land of satiation. That's when the checks came. All of them - the main one and the seperate ones for extra drinks. Everybody got a check... including our vendors.

The salespeople were disgusted. (Do you know what we get paid versus what we bring in to this company?!? And we only get 6 free meals a year out these people. WTF!) The vendors seemed horrifyingly insulted (as they should be). And management? Well, they had whole chicken butts on their faces.

The VP gets all sputter-mouthed and chokes on his Diet Coke. "This can't be right." "We never made this direction." "This is a huge mistake." "Give all the checks to me."

Now, I don't know about you but I was a server once. And I remember some of the crazy stuff people used to ask for. I didn't protest, I just did it. Why? Because they paid my bills. So I can guar-on-effing-tee that this girl didn't aim to embarrass the man paying the tab. Funny how some things work themselves out, isn't it?

I Won Again! And So I'll Share Another Story

You all know that I'm crazy, right? Hope I didn't catch you off guard with that revelation. But I'm also humble. Last Fiscal Year when I was given one award, I went up, shook hands and took a photo. When they announced my second award, I bee-bopped my ass up there and shouted, "I'M DANGEROUS!"

This year has been a rough year, not just for the industry but for me personally. Every time I turn around, I've got them listing off the categories in which I suck. It has taken a toll on my work ethic (and there's a post coming on work ethics. I know. Hot stuff, right?) and general ability to function. That and the fact that they give consistent praise to this Old Bird that cheats and underperforms.

So when they put up the Year-To-Date numbers, CBS111 and I started sending text-fives. Everywhere you looked we were one and two. Two and one. Kicking ass. No time for names. The Old Bird can suck it!

I was so kick ass during Q2 and my manager didn't even notice. Everyone thought I'd fallen to the OB. But not Vendor1. She dug around in her box of treats and found me a jacket.

BOOM! BITCHES!

"Why don't you come and sit next to a winner" - Me

I look so pimp in my wind breaker. I probably should have put it on and zipped it up tight to catch the risotto I dropped in my boobs at dinner and then had to dig out while at the table. It was hot!

It's hard being this classy.

Good Friend. Baaaad Blogger.

Hey, ya'll! I just wanted to tell you that I have not forgotten about the many posts I promised you. They are all either on paper or in my head. I was going to do it Friday night but then my dogs ate my laptop charger. They are running up a tab with Jesus.

There's also another one because we had a Celebrity Sighting and I must tell you all about it. I've even got proof. The pressure is totally on now if you know what I mean.

Because I feel a need to explain why I've been such a horrible Bloggie, I shall commence with the details of my weekend.

Right now, as I type, I am waiting for The Trainer to meet me here at Mom's house. Don't scrunch your face at me. I'm just helping him get his blog in order. I'm going to start doing a Friday Fitness segment and we will get our tips from his blog. Trust me, you will benefit from his tips. He really is a personal trainer. So be on the look out for guest posts from The Trainer.

Before that I took April and Rebecca to the park. I walked while they rode their bikes. An hour later I had confiscated two soda bottles, emptied and crushed them making two little boys cry. Their mom can be mad all day but she was nowhere to be found when they were throwing those bottles at other children. So naturally, I told her to suck a fat one.

Yesterday was madness but in a good way. First, the Bestie and I went to the museum to the Chihuly exhibit. Absolute perfection. We also put together a puzzle. I know you shouldn't yell in a museum, but this thing was a first class bitch and its completion was cause for celebration. We also tapped into our inner ar-teist and drew zoo animals. Mrs. G was all over the Blue-Footed Booby and I whipped out a classic Empire Penguin. I also signed it as a 3rd grader. Quit judging me.

From there I made my way to A's house and helped her move. It took 5 hours to get everything from one house to the other and she only moved 4 blocks away. She had the Mary Poppins basement. She brought out a box of sandpaper. A whole box! A hefty bag full of empty boxes. A set of 4 stairs. When I questioned these items she said (and I quote), "It may look like trash to you but I need these things".

Me: Stairs, though? Why?

A: I thought the kids might want to play with them.

Me: You're going to let the children play on stairs?

A: Just put them on the truck!

She's an artist without a t.v., a car, or even a radio. We'll chalk it up to that.

And Friday, well, I don't really remember Friday. But I do know that I was supposed to go somewhere and that person cancelled. After that, I think I slept and crocheted. It's hard to remember because it was so long ago.

See you tomorrow in the a.m.

And yes, I promise to behave with Trainer. Maybe.

Emergency Intervention

I have 5 whole blog posts that I have written on paper and just need to translate to cyberspace. Right now, they all will make the cut but it's quite possible that somebody will get cut. I can only hope that I did my experiences some justice.

But right now, I've got some heavy stuff on the brain.

It's no secret that I could use more cash. Ok! We could all use more cash.

But this job. That I hate. Just put TWO GRAND on the table to be collected in October. Meaning, I could bust ass all summer, earn this money, and then not get it because I'd be in Atlanta.

The first thing I thought was, "Those sons of bitches. Don't they know I'm trying to get the fug out of here and never come back?". But I know that they know that I'll always try to get more money. I'm in sales. It's the one professions where greed is a positive character trait.

So, here I am. Wondering out loud if I should wait just one more month and collect that check whatever it may be. I feel like I'm on an episode of Deal or No Deal. Only, this is my life and my sanity.

And, in addition to all of that, one of my old field reps/very good friend just got word that he may be getting back into our industry in this territory. It's like The Universe is sending me its siren call.

So much to think about, not enough vodka.

Thankful Thursdays

Hey, ya'll!!

This is me posting from the past *eerie ghost music*

Today, I am thankful:

• that today is thelast day of meetings
• tomorrow I get to be back in the office telling you all of my great meeting stories
• that you all miss me tons and tons and are anxiously waiting for me to return :-)

It's the little things that make me happy.

See you tomorrow!!

Blog Nazi

I don't think you know this, but I am all over this blog like white on rice.

And tonight, in my inebriated state, I am taking the time to blog you rather than get the six hours of sleep I so desperately need.

Tonight, I considered being a home wrecker.

I know what you're saying! "J-Bird, you're so awesome. You don't need to steal another woman's man. You can get your own". But I'll tell you this. When a man looks at you and says, "Come to the lounge. I'll buy you a drink. I'll buy you two drinks. I'll pour your wine. I'll even find your Cheerios". (that last part is an inside joke). That's when you go and when you go you kind of expect a Cheerios hunt. He's a boob man for Chrissake! I've got this on lock!!

Wanna know what Igot? I got the "church hug". The one with your ass waaaaayyy ooooooouuutt theeeeeeeere. That hug. And the speech on how his wife's birthday was yesterday. Did you know that she called twice? I'm not a homewrecker; please don't think that.

But, I didn't invite myself for drinks. And I didn't wink at myself. And I didn't buy me three very strong mixed drinks. I also didn't leave myself in the lobby alone. I know that if it weren't me it would be someone else. And you've never met him before, it'd be worth doing with only 140 days left on the tally.

Which reminds me, a factory employee informed that I'm too good for where I am and that I'll never get more if I don't just take it. It also helps that I'm a double minority. I put Taylor Lautner's face on him and started fantasizing like crazy.

So, that's it for tonight. There are at least 5 more coming your way including one called "Pwned!" or "Bitch Reppy". I haven't yet decided on a title. Love you guys! and Happy Thursday. Remember to be thankful.... I did.

Hey, You Guys!!

Holla!! If you're an 80's baby then you definitely know the quote. I mean, seriously, it's a right of passage kind of thing.

Well, this post is to tell you that I'm taking a brief hiatus. I'll be in sales meetings all week but I will write you as soon as I can.

Don't forget to check out some of the other awesome blogs on here.

If you're looking for inspiration, go see:

• Jo for life
• Jenny for your home
• Jen for you wedding
  

If you're trying to lose weight, check out:

• Jack to push you harder
• Andrea to give you great recipes
• Sally to help you laugh through it
  
  

If you want a good laugh, well, I'm sure I've steered you in that direction several times.

And if you want to read more about me -- because, let's face it, no one could ever get enough -- then here are my three. favorite. blog. posts.

See you Friday!!

Everybody's Working for the Weekend!

I can't explain why my post titles have become pop culture references but I think we should all just go with it for now. :-)

My weekend was packed full of goodness. It started off with me doing some serious work on Mom’s Granny Blanket. It’s turning out to be very pretty if not a little wonky-shaped. She’s a mom; she’ll love it regardless.

I chatted with my cousin talking about my dating preferences and Noodle. Of everyone on that side of the family, Theo is the only one that seems to accept me. He overrules Ethan’s accusation that my dating preferences are prejudices. He also told me that one of their late-night, girl-type, yammer sessions was about me. What is that?!? Anywhoozers, Noodle got her first bike and is now calling herself NaNa. No one knows where it came from, that’s just who she is now. And she’s adorable. This kid makes me want babies tomorrow. Like I would buy one if it was just as cute and sweet and loving as she is.

Oh! I also managed to get all of my bills paid. I am within breathing distance of having them all caught up. I know, I know. Making late payments is not the right thing to do when you’re on the path to cancelling your debts but I didn’t have much of a choice. I lost a roommate during the worst time in my industry. So my expenses doubled right when my commission checks were halved. Partial payments were a means of survival, so you can just stop with the stank face.

Sometime in the early evening on Friday, I went to a friends’. We had a couple of beers and talked about Atlanta, Palmer, a new job, the whole nine. It was nice catching up with her. She’s bald now so that took me by surprise. But she’s doing it for cancer awareness. Charlotte had leukemia when she was just 13; stuff like that changes you.

Saturday, I woke up early ready to help my mom with her garden. After all the hard work we put into it last fall, I was ready to see all the beautiful colors. I got to her house and was not disappointed by the landscape. I was, however, floored by her appearance. She looked a hot mess. I got there a little after 9am and she was just getting to bed; had pulled an all-nighter for work trying to get their program tested and running before today. Despite what people think, I do have a heart and so I took care of the puppies, fielded all her phone calls, rescheduled her appointments and cleaned the kitchen.

Around 2pm, I got restless so I went to the Franklin Covey store to buy stuff for my planner. Someone as unorganized as I am NEEDS a planner or else I forget important things like the Mary Kay party I had scheduled but had not managed to prepare for. I even had to call and cancel with the 4 people I apparently told about it at some point. (Ay carumba! Sometimes, I drive myself crazy!). But now, I have a real planner – cover and all – with stickers and task tabs, and budget guide and so I shouldn’t have any more excuses for forgetting. Unless, I forget to write in it which I probably will do.

(This is the binder I got although I really wanted the Giada -- champagne tastes... le sigh)

When I got back Mom was up so we went to Home Depot and picked up the rose bushes and other flowers she wanted to surround the front area. It looks good now but will be even lovelier once the roses bloom. Ethan called and talked to me only briefly before he spent more than 90 minutes on my cell phone with Mom. He says I’m a hater and shouldn’t be so jealous because its not like she’ll love me less but I said he shouldn’t encroach on my time with Mom especially when I’m footing the bill for it.

********* SPOILER ALERT **********

Finally, Mom and I went to see a movie. It was “Why Did I Get Married Too?” I’ll be honest. I didn’t want to see it. I’m not big on black films. I feel like they are a misrepresentation of our culture. But Mom was paying so why not? Because it sucked that’s why not. Pat should not get to be happy at the end after the bullshit she pulls. I’d be just as upset if it were a man in her position. Angela is ridiculous – even more so than last time. Sheila is weak and a pain in the ass. She tells off her husband but still falls prey to the man that beat her physically and emotionally for so many years. I don’t care if he is dying, she shouldn’t have been in his house (which is where her husband found her). I was livid. I was like, “I hope that son of a bitch dies on a bus and no one notices all day”.

********** I’M DONE RANTING NOW **********

Mom was full of energy at 2am so we cooked. Well, she cooked. I passed out in my underwear on her couch.

We went to the 8am service at her church. I tried to love Jesus but all I could do was groan and try to keep from falling asleep. After that I hoofed it home to take care of the pets. No accidents, thankfully. Spent some QT with them and then headed to Mrs. G’s place where she gave me THE BEST BOOK EVER! I haven’t even read it yet, but it is the story of the fabulous Grace Kelly so by default its gonna be fantastic.

And I went on a date last night. He is not even worth mentioning so please don't ask.

Oh! And my mom is getting a blog because she thinks mine is cool (ha!). She also told me that I should steer it away from being journalistic to being more witty and snarky because I'm good at both of those things. God, love her for trying.

That’s My Truth, Summed Up For Your Feminine (Or Masculine) Judgment

(Or Today’s Early Morning Thoughts)

I love the movie "Waitress" by Adrienne Shelley. There's just something about this film that resonates hope and humility.

Two weeks ago, I slid into someone else’s car and caused enough damage to take the front plate off her bumper. I told her that I would pay her today and I did because I’m a person of my word. I feel as though I did the right thing by paying her in full even though she came to me with an entirely new estimate that’s $150 more. And she got this estimate yesterday. Even though her and her hubs got four done on the day I hit her vehicle and I allowed her to choose which shop. I find it strange and a lot under-handed, but we’re moving forward. And truthfully, I would be here in a puddle of tears if Ethan hadn’t fronted me the dough.

I love my father. I really do. But as a very wise woman (CBS111) once told me, “When you were a kid, it was ok because kids are more accepting. But now you’re an adult with standards and he’s not meeting them”. (Or something along those lines). The point is that dealing with my father is a constant let down. For four years, I have tried to have “the talk”. If you grew up with both parents loving you completely and supporting you fully then you don’t know “the talk”. If you’re strong enough to live your life without needing other people’s acceptance (Bravo! [non-sarcastically] I really do aim to be more like you) then you definitely don’t know “the talk”. But I grew up with my father participating… intermittently. Say, every four to six years. And I resent him for it. I often feel abandoned when people walk away from me, even if it’s just for the night. I have a hard time separating – even temporarily – because I don’t honestly believe that I will see that person again.

I shouldn’t have had those Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs for breakfast. I know better. But I can’t eat anymore Easter M&Ms. I’ve had so many that I can taste the dye. Oh! That’s right. Forgot to tell you. I went on an Easter candy binge because it was ALL ON SALE! Bags and bags of candy for less than $2/each. Yes, please! However, I now have 5 (yes, f-i-v-e) unopened bags of candy still left. They will probably end up in some trail mix.

There are only 22 squares left to make until I can start to put together my mom’s blanket. I’m very excited about it and I know that she’ll love it. The hard part will be trying not to give it to her too soon.

If the VP walks through here one more time, I’m going to assume he’s stalking me and just me. He probably doesn’t even see the other two people in the row because I’m so fly.

My shoes today are fabulous. I don’t wear them enough. Probably because I no longer budget for pedicures. I should go back to that. I’m not a foot person. That’s why I hate doing my own feet. Don’t get me wrong, I do my own feet. I just don’t like it.

I drink waaaaaaaayyyy too much alcohol. I’m thinking I’m going to cut back… maybe… slightly… probably not.

The candle biz is going to the dogs. I just don’t have the energy or the desire anymore. Good thing I didn’t buy inventory.

I don’t want to live with Palmer. He’s a nagging, whiny vijay. This is why I couldn’t bring myself to date him. I will probably work two jobs just so we’re never around each other. I need to devise a plan for ATL like A-effing-SAP if I intend to make it my permanent home (which I don’t).

Which reminds me, I need to get serious about moving to Spain. I’ve been talking about it since I came back from my class trip Ten.Years.Ago. It’s time now, don’tcha think?

Good Gracious! I’ve wasted over an hour writing this post. No wonder I’m getting the stink eye from the VP who just walked through the other aisle but definitely saw me looking at him instead of working. Maybe I should’ve put my headset on so it would have been less conspicuous. Note to self: next time, put your headset on.

A Play On Words

I just got off the phone with my father and I'm seething!

Apparently, he miscommunicated the reason for him moving out of the apartment he shares with Autumn (his "girlfriend" of over a decade that he's ALWAYS chosen over me and my brothers even though she's broken off their engagement no less than three times!!!). It seems as though when he said, "I'm moving out but I haven't told her yet" and "I can't take those kids anymore" and "Autumn doesn't know that I'm leaving" I took it to mean that he was leaving her or their relationship. But what he tells me today is that what he meant is the lease is up on the apartment they share.

How the fuck is that the same?!?

When I have to move because my lease is up, I say shit like, "I'm looking for a new place because my lease is up".

And Ethan? Well, he's here. In the city in which I live. But no one saw fit to tell me so that I could see him or at least say goodbye before he took off for Asia. It will be TWO YEARS at least before I see him again. But does that matter? Ooooooooobviously, it only matters to me.

And you know why they say they didn't tell me? Because of F. I can't stand that bitch and it's not a secret. But I dont see how she gets to dictate whether or not I am permitted to see my brother when he's 15 miles away and has been for two days.

I am in that place where I could give a bunny the hammerfist.

But you know my dad is so giving. He said that I sounded really upset so he's just gonna call me tomorrow to see if I'm feeling better.

Oh, I'll feel better tomorrow... if I get to punch his face tonight.

Thankful Thursdays

Thursdays are the days that I tell the blogosphere what it is that I’m thankful for. I don’t want to give that up just yet so I put together this list.

• My new shoes. You can find them on this post but today is the first day I’ve worn them. There was an inner struggle about whether or not I should take them back to the store. I won.


• Boys with deep voices. He totally made my ten minutes yesterday.


• Dog groomers. The poodle has an appointment, thank God.


• Home-made pizza. All the taste, half the fat, one-third the cost.


• Faith. You never know if you have it until you are tested.

Wailing and Gnashing of Teeth

Anticipation is a weird emotion. I would even call it bi-polar. One minute it’s getting you primed for the first kiss. You know the one I’m talking about? It’s the one that you are sure is going to change life as you know it. Next minute, it’s got you thinking you’re about to die because you leaned back too far in your chair.

That’s how I’ve been feeling for about a week now. I don’t know what to call it. Anxiety? Stress? Depression? Oppression? But I know what it’s trying to do. It’s trying to take me to a scary place where nothing in my life matters and I just wish I had the guts to kill myself because I’m worth more dead than alive anyway.

This morning on my way to work, I had a panic attack. It was triggered by sirens. And I was in traffic. On a bridge. All I could think about was how my car was parked behind a dozen others and that I was going to die. Here’s a brief clip of what went through my mind.

“What’s that noise? Are those sirens? Where are they coming from? Are those lights behind me? How are they going to get through here? I can’t pull over I’m against the yellow line! Oh, Dear God, please save me! *the bridge begins to vibrate under the weight of the three trucks on it* What’s happening? I need to get out. *Hand on door handle* As soon as these cars stop coming, I’m outta here. When are they going to stop coming?!? I can’t stay here! *tears flowing* I’m going to die on this bridge. Why won’t the shaking stop? Why aren’t these cars moving?!?”

I am in hell.

It’s my own personal hell. You can’t go there with me because it’s inside my head. It torments me with promises of failure and abandonment. It lures me into its gaze filled with memories and bill collectors. It taps against the door of my sanity with a consistent rapping. Sometimes, when I’m brave enough to look up, I can see it peering through the window smirking and sneering.

The pressure is overwhelming and I feel as though it could envelope me at any second. Some days are so dark that it feels like the sun will never come out again. It’s like living your whole life at night under the cover of darkness where anything can happen to you. Periodically, I’ve had small glimpses of light. Like when Ethan called yesterday. But then he said one thing that made it slightly gray again. Or this morning, when I heard a song that reminded me of him and his antics. Singing the song brings the sun but finishing it, knowing that the moment is over, makes the clouds roll in faster than before.

All I can think to do in these moments is cry. I cry because I feel weak. I cry because I feel alone. I cry because I’m afraid that if I ask someone to help me that they will diagnose me as crazy. I don’t want to be crazy. I can’t be crazy. There’s a stigma that comes with crazy. Especially if you’re black. When you are black it is a universal truth that you cannot be black and: a. gay, b. date outside your race, or c. be crazy. I already date outside my race and get tons of crap for it; I know I won’t be able to handle the pressure that comes with a triple throw down.

I know that others have noticed. I figured it out years ago. They look at me, talk to me, and regard me differently. I wonder what it is they’re thinking and how I make them feel. The words I hate hearing most from my brother are, “I’m just glad I could make you laugh”. It kills me a bit each time he says it. I’m sure he doesn’t know he’s doing it, but what it says to me is that he can hear my pain and that it worries him. I don’t want him to worry about me. He has so many other things to focus on; he shouldn’t be preoccupied by my troubles.

I wish that someone could tell me the words to say that would make all of these negative feelings go away. I wish that I knew what makes me different from the people with a generally positive outlook on life. I wish I was ready to come back to blogging funny anecdotes and the goings-on of my life for you. But I'm not.

If you do need a pick-me-up after this blog of dreariness then please go here and here. Perhaps, here or here. But only here if you like it super raunchy.

I miss the happy me so much right now. I'll try to bring her back soon.

Some Time Away

Inner Monologue:

"Your life is a mess. Look at you! Your hair needs to be done. Your toes needs re-painted. Your legs need to be shaved. We won’t even discuss the state of your apartment. All this is a manifestation of what’s going on inside.

I know that you’re not really tired. You’re feeling sad and perhaps a bit lonely. Yes, you miss your family and no, things aren’t the way you want them to be but checking out is not your best option. Buck up, kiddo! Things will get better.

Remember how you promised yourself that you would never sit still and you would never look back? Remember how we discussed that the longer you wait the faster time moves on without you? Don’t lose hold of these promises. Don’t waste time looking back. You can’t change things that have already happened. Let’s not lose anymore time than we have already."

**You should know that, on Sunday, I slept in my bed for the first time in over a week. Instead, I slept on the couch using my guest blankets because they still smell like my family. I’ve been using the guest bathroom for the same reason.

I know it sounds weird and may be a lot wrong but it’s what I’ve needed to keep from falling completely under. I can feel the depression tapping on the windows of my soul wanting in. I’m scared because I know that if I do fall all the way in, it’ll be a long, hard journey out. And last time, I needed professional help.

I’m going to take some time off to work on me.

Try to miss me while I’m gone.

Boom! I'm Born.

I am not patient. There are many reasons why I'm not patient but mostly it's because I figure the sooner I get done the sooner I can forget about it. I hate when things drag on and on and on for what is seemingly forever. Tomorrow is not promised to us so why would I waste today on something that should have been done yesterday? Well... that and I have a tendency to procrastinate (but that's a post for another day).

When we were having our family dinner yesteday Rebecca brought up being born. Of all the girls, she's the only one not born on a Monday. She was a C-Section and her doctor was just lazy, wanting to spend Valentine's Day with her husband and all. I tried to make her feel better and promptly informed her that it's for the best that she wasn't born on V-Day as I would never manage to be at her birthday party if she had. (By the time Becca was born I was almost 18. Be serious.)

She wanted to know if we were excited that she was coming into the family and we all told her about where we were when we knew it was happening. (I was in Calc I trying to figure out derivatives. I remember being completely distracted by her impending arrival... and I still blame her for the 'C' I received on the subsequent test). This led Mom to tell aaaallllll of our birth stories. Now the cool thing is that I already knew mine. I was there. Wanna hear it? Here it goes...

Mom was 19 and in the Army. This was her first pregnancy and even though she knew that she'd be a single mother, she wasn't scared. Probably because she put my Dad in check real quick and he knew what was expected. Or that Grandma Dot was taking the two years of vacation she had saved up while working for the state to globe trot and be my guardian while Mom stayed active. One of those for sure.

It was a cold and snowy day in December. Mom was stationed in the Nation's Capital for training. She was in an Intelligence program and was damn good. But tonight she was super sad. She went for a walk to clear her mind and to try to make sense of what had happened just hours before in the mall.

**flashback music and fairytale dust**

She met Dean when she was just a few months pregnant; she hadn't even started to show. She was honest with him about her delicate situation but he didn't care. He was completely smitten. She tried not be attracted to him or to allow him to fall for her. What kind of woman carries on a relationship with one man while carrying a baby for another? She judged herself but he never judged her.

Dean took her to the mall on the 5th of December. Neither one of them thought that the walking would be a problem; she wasn't due for another month. Besides, there was something special he had been paying on and he wanted to give it to her today. He was uber excited but she was all sulky and feeling fat. Which explains this exchange:

Dean: Mom, I got something for you.

Mom: *sulky sigh* Whatever it is, it's probably too small.

Dean: *heartbroken, pulls necklace with small diamond chip from pocket* It's all I could afford.

Mom: *crying because she's a total tool and wishes she'd chosen different words*

Dean: I still want you to have it.

Mom: I can't. I'm a total tool.

Dean: Well, then... um... *snuffle* Give it to J-Bird then. She should have it.

They rode seperate trains back to the city.

**back to present time in story**

She kept walking and asking herself questions. What had she done? Why had she picked those words? Where the hell did this tunnel come from? Why were her feet wet?

I was all like. "Wha-Bam! I'm tired of hanging out with you being a sulky face. We never go to cool places and I wanna do what I want! Let me ooooouuuuuuuuuut!"

There was a very bumpy ride to Walter Reed Hospital. Luckily, Mom was not the only person walking through the tunnel that night and the soldier that found her wasn't one of those crazy, rape-y types. Instead, he was the "I'm-gonna-be-a-hero-because-there's-no-one-else-around-and-I'll-carry-you-to-the-hospital-in-my-arms" types. Awesome.

Five hours later, she was looking at me and I was like, "It's about time". And she fell in love with me forever and I was just feeling mediocre because I didn't know if I could trust her to feed me regularly or not.

So, that's how I was almost born in a tunnel.

I've been this awesome since before I was born. And yes, I still have the necklace.

This is not my actual picture but I was absolutely, hands-down cuter than this kid, right here.

Happy Easter

What's up, Peeps! (get it? 'cause of the Peep Jesus? laugh! it's funny.)

You know today is about Jesus and the magic of his resurrection.

I don't know if you believe as I do and when it comes to Jesus, well, I'm not here to judge you. But I will quote my gramma and say, "I'd rather believe and be wrong than not believe and be wrong". That would suck.

Luke 24
1: But on the first day of the week, at early dawn, they went to the tomb, taking the spices which they had prepared. 2: And they found the stone rolled away from the tomb, 3: but when they went in they did not find the body. 4: While they were perplexed about this, behold, two men stood by them in dazzling apparel; 5: and as they were frightened and bowed their faces to the ground, the men said to them, "Why do you seek the living among the dead? 6: Remember how he told you, while he was still in Galilee, 7: that the Son of man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and on the third day rise." 8: And they remembered his words, 9: and returning from the tomb they told all this to the eleven and to all the rest.

Jesus loves you. He died for you. Please use this day to remember that.

For the Love of Men

I learned something yesterday: There's nothing worst than a nail pulled to the quick.



You see, I was a nail biter when I was young. It's a gross habit for sure, but I didn't stop until my first really serious boyfriend told me that he wouldn't kiss me because I always stuck my dirty fingers in my mouth. He did in one second what my mother'd been trying to do for 17 years.



Even though my oral hygiene greatly improved, my need for an anxiety outlet increased ten-fold. So, I began to pick my nails and pull them. (I used to file them until the constant rubbing caused cuts under my nails.) Over the years, I've gotten really good at pulling them to just the right length, but today, I got so riled up over something stupid a middle manager said that I pulled it down to the quick which only added kindling to the fire.



I was angry enough to punch a kitten.



After I settled down, I realized that I didn't have to get angry because I never should have agreed to the stupid things he said anyway. I did the right thing and told my boss and we'll just let him handle it.



But in the mean time, I started thinking about all of the crazy shit I've done for/because of/at the suggestion of men. Don't shake your head at me. You know you've got a list...

1. Practiced kissing on my hand. My 1st step-father told me to do this and it was aaaaaalllllllll good until my little sister caught me and cried because she thought I was in love with myself and that I was going to go to hell. But now I get compliments on my kissing all the time, so, you know, win-lose-win.
2. Took out my tongue ring. This was when I was dating The African. He said it embarrassed him because all his friends thought I gave BJs... which I did... for him... and he never seemed to complain... and didn't stop wanting them after I took it out... asshole.
3. Started wearing makeup. At the insistance of my first high school love. I looked like a raccoon all of 10th grade. A raccoon with hot legs in a cheerleading uniform. Sessaaaay!!!
4. Bit off more than I could chew... figuratively. This was an unfortunate incident involving garlic parmesan wings, an overzealous boyfriend and regurgitated chicken in his lap. Yup.
5. Gave him "my share" of the money for "our first apartment". Again, my first real boyfriend. He was all grown up and in his twenties and scammed me out of $200 whole dollars. I didn't cry and I didn't tell anyone in my family. I loved him too much to want him dead.
6. Got a guinea pig. One of the guys at work had a kid whose guinea pig just happened to be preggo. I got all the necessary piggy crap for free so I said to myself, "Why not? How hard can it be?". Well he makes my house smell and he's a shit kicking little sommabeach! That's how hard it is! *ahem*
7. Bought a car. You should have seen this salesman. He was all cute and flirty and single and not mentioning his 5 kids until AFTER I signed away the next 4 years of my life. Bastard.
8. Got nicks on my vijay. I am an advocate of waxing but he thought it would be sexy to shave me. But his hands weren't steady, I was super nervous and ended up bleeding.
   

There's more I assure you, but I think that before I divulge you and I should go to dinner first. Or you could at least send me a gift certificate to somewhere. Just not Applebee's. I hate that place.

It's All About the Benjamins, Baby

Hello People!

This right here is my *with tunnelly affect* ONE HUNDREDTH POST!

As you can see, I am unnervingly excited. I have been thinking about this post since Post# 90.

I imagined all of the great things this post could accomplish like,

• world peace!


• the cure for cancer!


• the cure for Coyote Ugly Syndrome!


• the cure for Butterface Syndrome!


• where I declare that I have reached my weight loss goals!


• where I announce that I'm pregnant by the twin I resorbed as a fetus!

But it won't be any of that. This is the post of truth. Put your feet up, it's gonna be awhile.

1. I lost the password to my weight loss ticker about three weeks after I created it and have been too lazy to get a new one. I'm 3 pounds heavier than I was when I started this journey.

2. I spent my whole life being jealous of Ethan's relationship with my dad only to find out that my dad pretty much treated him the same way; it's Ethan's perspective that is different.

3. I took my Mom for granted up until I saw some other people's mothers in action and realized that I'm fat because I've always had enough to eat, I'm spoiled because I've never needed; I've only wanted, and I have so many opportunities because she instilled discipline in me. For all of that I am thankful (but don't tell her because I don't need her bragging).

4. I stopped going to the gym because I hated people looking at my fat jiggle when I ran. I was up to an 11-minute mile.

5. I like to sing and dance to Justin Beiber's "One Time".

6. I had a dream about my brother that was obscene and then stopped answering his calls for four days until I had fully recovered.

7. I like to crochet and knit. It brings me peace and gives me the feeling of accomplishment that I'm missing at work.

8. I am a selling master. I've been selling since I was 6 years old. I love the rush. I love the victory of the sale. I hate my boss enough to not bother.

9. Being fat is comfortable and it keeps the skeevy guys away. I kinda like it.

10. I would punch an infant for the last Thin Mint cookie.

11. I would rob a vault if it housed the last Thin Mint cookie.

12. I think Chuck Norris jokes are hilarious but I will cut you if you tell a "Your Mama" joke. Those are just offensive.

13. I want to be married but I don't want to promise anyone that I will put up with their craziness for the rest of my life. It's what we call "a catch-22".

14. There is a mental image of exactly what my babies will look like. I might love them less if they fail me.

15. I went to college to meet boys. My degree is a by-product.

16. I often want to french kiss smokers because I miss the taste of cigarettes.

17. Food tastes better now that I don't smoke.

18. Thin Mint cookies were always the chronic, but they are more minty now that I don't smoke.

19. I cry pretty regularly. It cleanses my soul palette.

20. I've told you way too much.

Love you, guys!! Thanks for reading my ramblings. Without you, I'd just be talking to myself.

Thankful Thursdays

Today, I am thankful for:

• the time spent with my brothers


• the solo time I got to spend with Ethan


• plane tickets and passports


• "Name that Tune". I rocked at it when I was young and I rock at it now


• memories


• hugs and whispered "I love yous"


• happy tears


• sunshine


• spring days


• puppy hugs


• and chicken on Sundays

and I ain't foolin'!

Happy April Fool's Day!!